In my eyes, if you want to be a truly bad bitch, you MUST complete the following:
1) Wear a shit ton of lipstick (the darker the better — NYX Butter lipstick in ‘Licorice’ is choice)
2) Watch AT LEAST one full season of Sex and the City. Season one is a good starter. The movie does not count.
3) DO A JUICE CLEANSE!
Juice cleansing has gotten a bad reputation in modern culture, primarily due to lack of education on the subject. Many people believe cleansing is actually unhealthy for your body, and equate it to “starving yourself.” Meanwhile, others are pretty intense about juicing and swear by it, doing cleanses once a month or even more.
However, the hottest (and most correct) take on juice cleansing is this: there’s really no evidence that proves whether or not doing a juice cleanse gives you any real or long-lasting health benefits. This doesn’t mean doing a juice cleanse is bad for you by any means. Quite simply, juice cleansing doesn’t do much to your body at all. A good source of information on juice cleansing can be found here.
Now, knowing this, you might be wondering why I cleanse anyways. To be blunt, I don’t really know. I’m still convinced it’s a “purifier,” despite the fact that this has been proven otherwise. I cleanse to restart my body and metabolism, to refresh after eating poorly over the course of weeks or months, and (even though it’s “wrong”) to lose water weight fast if I have a big event or something coming up. Sue me, you hags! I just love a nice juice cleanse!
My cleanse of choice, the Suja Fresh Start, incorporates 6 juices a day into a 1, 3, or 5-day cleanse. Half of the juices are green, one is red (from fucking BEETS, so don’t get excited), one is orange (from carrots, so *angel emoji*) and one is a “dessert juice,” made from almond milk, honey, vanilla, and other yummy things. Overall, only two of the juices aren’t great, and the rest are BOMB. The juices couldn’t be tastier if they tried (okay, if they tasted like ice cream, they would be better, but this is a HEALTHY CLEANSE, people, not an ice cream cleanse, which admittedly would be fun).
My first juice cleansing experience was primarily for journalistic purposes, as I chronicled my journey for The Mash. If you read that article, you’d know that I pretty much HATED the cleanse and felt actually ill by Day 3. I thought I was strong, but I was a weak baby bitch, and the juice cleanse beat my ass.
I thought I was a weak baby bitch then, and then I tried doing a 1-day cleanse again the day before my senior prom and it was an enormous failure. I didn’t even make it to the dinner juice — I peaced the FUCK OUT and ate a Chipotle burrito in like .4328943 seconds flat.
My third attempt was this past November in New York, before I came home for Thanksgiving. Again, I opted for a 1-day, a purely financial decision (juice clean$ing ain’t cheap). At this point, I’d lost about 15 pounds and was working out every day, so I was in a much healthier place than I’d been when cleansing before. Because of this, the cleanse was MUCH easier, and I actually enjoyed it a little bit.
Last week, I completed the 3-day cleanse yet again. After eating/drinking like a total bro for a week when my sister was home, and with the knowledge that I would have to wear a bathing suit at my friend’s lakehouse, I knew I had to whip my ass into shape and purify myself on some level, so a juice cleanse was the answer.
The juice cleanse is a challenge, ya’ll. I’m not going to lie to you. It’s incredibly hard, mainly because
1) Processed foods run the world, and your body isn’t necessarily used to something so pure and natural
2) Your mind and body are conditioned to chewing and consuming warm food, so taking in exclusively cold liquid is a shock to the system
and 3) Every food is better when you can’t have it.
It’s even harder if you aren’t necessarily “healthy” or traditionally healthy, meaning you’re active, eat (mainly) clean, and have a normal BMI. A lot of people (myself included!) feel totally sick when cleansing, which means headaches, hunger pains, and if you’re really unhealthy, flu-like symptoms.
But I’m here to say………………because of my weight loss and more active lifestyle, the cleanse was EASY. AS. FUCK. I’m not kidding! It was so easy I could cry. I honestly never believed I would love cleansing so much, but this was a delight.
The juices tasted fresher than ever, and I had serious energy. In my previous cleanse attempts, I had been absolutely exhausted by mid-day and could barely move. This time around, I was doing my usual two-hour workouts while cleansing and felt like I had even more energy to burn. It was on point.
However, there are inevitable challenges with any fad/crash diet. For one, I was consuming more calories than usual, so I did have a weird weight fluctuation throughout the three days. Another issue I came across was feeling absolutely DEAD by the end of the day, but that was around 10:00 PM, which is when I’m usually ready to ball out and go to bed anyways.
The biggest challenge was when me and my best friend went to the movies on the last night of my cleanse. We’re huge eaters. One night we ate 5 different desserts in one sitting. We’ve spent over $60 at a restaurant that isn’t that expensive just so we could use a coupon to get $20 off our meal. We could probably win an eating competition if we tag-teamed. So when we went to Studio Movie Grill to see Aloha, Cara got wings and a brownie sundae…and I had to wait until the movie was almost over before I could even drink my dessert juice. I almost quit, but I persevered, and that made the end of the cleanse even sweeter. But I was like super sad in that moment and almost went to the bathroom and cried. CLEANSING IS FUN.
Overall, juice cleansing is an interesting experience, and one I recommend trying at least once in your life. If you have any questions, hit me up over @bizzyems on Twitter.