Juice Cleansing for Dummies

In my eyes, if you want to be a truly bad bitch, you MUST complete the following:

1) Wear a shit ton of lipstick (the darker the better — NYX Butter lipstick in ‘Licorice’ is choice)

2) Watch AT LEAST one full season of Sex and the City. Season one is a good starter. The movie does not count.

3) DO A JUICE CLEANSE!

Juice cleansing has gotten a bad reputation in modern culture, primarily due to lack of education on the subject. Many people believe cleansing is actually unhealthy for your body, and equate it to “starving yourself.” Meanwhile, others are pretty intense about juicing and swear by it, doing cleanses once a month or even more.

However, the hottest (and most correct) take on juice cleansing is this: there’s really no evidence that proves whether or not doing a juice cleanse gives you any real or long-lasting health benefits. This doesn’t mean doing a juice cleanse is bad for you by any means. Quite simply, juice cleansing doesn’t do much to your body at all. A good source of information on juice cleansing can be found here.

Now, knowing this, you might be wondering why I cleanse anyways. To be blunt, I don’t really know. I’m still convinced it’s a “purifier,” despite the fact that this has been proven otherwise. I cleanse to restart my body and metabolism, to refresh after eating poorly over the course of weeks or months, and (even though it’s “wrong”) to lose water weight fast if I have a big event or something coming up. Sue me, you hags! I just love a nice juice cleanse!

My cleanse of choice, the Suja Fresh Start, incorporates 6 juices a day into a 1, 3, or 5-day cleanse. Half of the juices are green, one is red (from fucking BEETS, so don’t get excited), one is orange (from carrots, so *angel emoji*) and one is a “dessert juice,” made from almond milk, honey, vanilla, and other yummy things. Overall, only two of the juices aren’t great, and the rest are BOMB. The juices couldn’t be tastier if they tried (okay, if they tasted like ice cream, they would be better, but this is a HEALTHY CLEANSE, people, not an ice cream cleanse, which admittedly would be fun).

My first juice cleansing experience was primarily for journalistic purposes, as I chronicled my journey for The Mash. If you read that article, you’d know that I pretty much HATED the cleanse and felt actually ill by Day 3. I thought I was strong, but I was a weak baby bitch, and the juice cleanse beat my ass.

I thought I was a weak baby bitch then, and then I tried doing a 1-day cleanse again the day before my senior prom and it was an enormous failure. I didn’t even make it to the dinner juice — I peaced the FUCK OUT and ate a Chipotle burrito in like .4328943 seconds flat.

My third attempt was this past November in New York, before I came home for Thanksgiving. Again, I opted for a 1-day, a purely financial decision (juice clean$ing ain’t cheap). At this point, I’d lost about 15 pounds and was working out every day, so I was in a much healthier place than I’d been when cleansing before. Because of this, the cleanse was MUCH easier, and I actually enjoyed it a little bit.

Last week, I completed the 3-day cleanse yet again. After eating/drinking like a total bro for a week when my sister was home, and with the knowledge that I would have to wear a bathing suit at my friend’s lakehouse, I knew I had to whip my ass into shape and purify myself on some level, so a juice cleanse was the answer.

The juice cleanse is a challenge, ya’ll. I’m not going to lie to you. It’s incredibly hard, mainly because

1) Processed foods run the world, and your body isn’t necessarily used to something so pure and natural

2) Your mind and body are conditioned to chewing and consuming warm food, so taking in exclusively cold liquid is a shock to the system

and 3) Every food is better when you can’t have it.

It’s even harder if you aren’t necessarily “healthy” or traditionally healthy, meaning you’re active, eat (mainly) clean, and have a normal BMI. A lot of people (myself included!) feel totally sick when cleansing, which means headaches, hunger pains, and if you’re really unhealthy, flu-like symptoms.

But I’m here to say………………because of my weight loss and more active lifestyle, the cleanse was EASY. AS. FUCK. I’m not kidding! It was so easy I could cry. I honestly never believed I would love cleansing so much, but this was a delight.

The juices tasted fresher than ever, and I had serious energy. In my previous cleanse attempts, I had been absolutely exhausted by mid-day and could barely move. This time around, I was doing my usual two-hour workouts while cleansing and felt like I had even more energy to burn. It was on point.

However, there are inevitable challenges with any fad/crash diet. For one, I was consuming more calories than usual, so I did have a weird weight fluctuation throughout the three days. Another issue I came across was feeling absolutely DEAD by the end of the day, but that was around 10:00 PM, which is when I’m usually ready to ball out and go to bed anyways.

The biggest challenge was when me and my best friend went to the movies on the last night of my cleanse. We’re huge eaters. One night we ate 5 different desserts in one sitting. We’ve spent over $60 at a restaurant that isn’t that expensive just so we could use a coupon to get $20 off our meal. We could probably win an eating competition if we tag-teamed. So when we went to Studio Movie Grill to see Aloha, Cara got wings and a brownie sundae…and I had to wait until the movie was almost over before I could even drink my dessert juice. I almost quit, but I persevered, and that made the end of the cleanse even sweeter. But I was like super sad in that moment and almost went to the bathroom and cried. CLEANSING IS FUN.

Overall, juice cleansing is an interesting experience, and one I recommend trying at least once in your life. If you have any questions, hit me up over @bizzyems on Twitter.

Year in Review: 2014

I made it another year on this toxic earth!!! Years are so long and I’m so tired of life on a constant basis, but I had so much fun and was happy like a kitten in the sun for most of 2014. Yes, I cry a lot and yes, I’m literally a high-functioning goth, but I’ve been listening to an almost inappropriate amount of Taylor Swift and that kind of balances me out.

Here’s to another year of singing “Blank Space” dramatically when alone in the car, eating deep dish pizza, not changing the months on my calendar ever, and trying to get my friends to hold hands with me in public because I like being held.

My 2014 Year in Review:

The most important thing that happened to me this year, obviously, was leaving for college and starting a brand-new life in New York City. On the grand scale of the world, I see myself as a very small rat, so being in the city is weird.

Other important life changes: Dyed my hair upwards of 10 times, painted my nails the same color for four straight months, wore jeans a lot more than I wanted to, got a variety of intense and unexplained bruises, had to take two showers a day to stay warm, and picked up a new eye twitch in my lower right lid. One thing that remained the same: I am always pale.

I saw so many life-affirming and life-changing pieces of entertainment in 2014:

Boyhood easily became one of my favorite movies of all time. For being such a huge, sprawling film, it still manages to feel very quaint and intimate and personal. I want to wrap myself up in this movie like a warm blanket and just sit there and never ever have to move ever again. That’s how Boyhood makes you feel.

I really like to pimp out my love of Guardians of the Galaxy all over the internet, and in real life, too, because it’s the best Marvel movie of all time! Okay, maybe that’s a big statement, but F what you heard about The Avengers — this squad is prime. Set to a galactic backdrop, it’s the most colorful comic book film in recent memory, with bursts of vibrant purples and greens, and can we talk about the soundtrack? Also, I cried like a little bb when Chris Pratt opened the gift from his dead mom and his sweet eyes filled with tears as “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” played.

Have we discussed how I am Amazing Amy? I am such a crazy bitch! I want to Gone Girl myself! Amy Dunne gets such a bad rep for being an insane murderer, but I kind of think she’s fierce as hell (disclaimer: not promoting murderers here, just appreciate a powerful woman). Gone Girl wasn’t just a highlight of my year — it changed my life.

This is also one of my most favorite scenes ever in a movie (but Whiplash is filled with gripping, memorable scenes that I wish I could play over and over for the rest of my life):

2014 was also cool because we had FOUR SNOW DAYS!!!! Remembering this is very weird, because knowing I was still in high school for most of last year is very weird. Life is very weird! I’m very weird! And that’s why I’ll probably never find love.

Speaking of never finding love, 2014 was THE YEAR OF THE JUICE CLEANSE. For three days last January, I put my life and well-being on the line in the name of liquid kale, and it was both magical and deathly. I did it two times again later in the year, and here is my pro-tip: DON’T DO IT.

Amazing TV shows I binge-watched in 2014Veep, Game of Thrones, Mad Men, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, True Detective, Girls, Moone Boy, 30 Rock, Scrubs. Socially, I think this was the year I peaked!

Some things in pop culture that made me LOL/cry this year:

– Zac Efron breaking his jaw after “slipping on water from the fountain in his house”

– Justin Bieber getting arrested

– Pharrell’s hat

– The McConnaisance

– The Lego Movie

– Almost anything Selena Gomez did

– Bob Costas having pink eye while doing Sochi coverage, Sochi coverage, Sochi in general

– Barkhad Abdi

– The Oscars selfie that no one even offered to photoshop me into

– ADELE DAZEEM

– When Frank Ocean squared up against Chipotle

– Zac Efron getting in a punching brawl with a homeless man on Skid Row in LA

– Being so annoyed during every second of The Fault In Our Stars and then crying like a big idiot for a few hours after it ended

– Everyone finally realizing that How I Met Your Mother is pretty much the shittiest thing on television

– Conscious uncoupling

– Lindsay Lohan’s sex list being real

– Adam Driver running a fight club while in high school

– The new adorable little rolling droid from Star Wars VII

– Ben Affleck getting kicked out of a casino for counting cards

– When James Franco literally stopped giving a damn

– The amount of time it took for Johnny Football to be drafted to the Browns, Johnny Football and everything he chooses to be

– Zac Efron’s character in Neighbors having an entire season of Girls saved to his DVR

– When Solange squared up against Jay Z in the elevator

– Miles Teller doing the same juice cleanse as me (S/O TO SUJA!)

– That moment when I found out Eddie Redmayne was playing Stephen Hawking and I was so confused but then I saw The Theory of Everything and cried a million tears

– Rob Kardashian not attending Kim’s wedding 😦 BUT THE KIMYE WEDDING IN GENERAL!!!

– 2/5 of One Direction smokin weed and filming it

– Harry Styles becoming a kabalist because of course that makes sense

– Miley Cyrus going absolutely insane over the death of her dog Floyd

– Chris Martin ending his vegetarianism post-breakup from GOOP

– Jonah Hill officiating Adam Levine’s wedding

– Chris Pratt french braiding hair

– KIM K HOLLYWOOD THE BEST IPHONE GAME OF OUR TIME

– Justin Bieber nominating Obama for the Ice Bucket Challenge

– Hello Kitty being a girl and not a cat

– Brangelina wedding

– Every single fucking thing Ariana Grande did

– Pete Davidson

– Marnie the Dog’s rise to fame

– Nicki Minaj’s new album

– PETER PAN LIVE

– Kate Middleton getting pregnant again

– Taylor Swift’s birthday party

– And everything that occurred with The Interview, INCLUDING The Interview itself.

One of my favorite things in 2014 were my friends. Never before have I been included in a group of people who are so unabashedly supportive and loving, and I’m constantly worried that my self-hatred/pessimism/angst is too much for them (LOL). Every time I screw up (all the time!) they are the first people to send a heart emoji or get ice cream with me. Because of what they do for me, I’m able to start being better to myself, and that’s also a change in my life. I am so unironically #blessed to be loved in this way, and I hope in 2015, I can be a better friend to them.

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Maybe this is weird to talk about because weight is “weird” but I lost 25 pounds in 2014 between July and December (but I didn’t actually start actively trying to lose weight until October)! Honestly, it’s been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, because I legitimately think I am addicted to food, but I’m sure it’ll be “rewarding” in the long run. I also feel more beautiful so I guess that’s good! But don’t worry, my self-confidence is still very very low, almost nonexistent.

Taylor Swift has obviously run my life since I was 11-years-old, but I think she hit me hardest in 2014. 1989 is one of the most bombass albums of our generation, and it has changed me into the woman I am today. The song I feel most strongly about is (duh) “Blank Space,” because I am very emotional when it comes to boys and their Snapchat best friends. Also, for the first time, I feel like I can relate to Taylor Swift songs, which is literally insane because how could I ever relate to a Taylor Swift song, I am not a small white cat or someone who is worthy of being loved.

2014 was also the year I went to three One Direction concerts, and it was a delight. I hope I am at a level of being in which no one can make fun of me for how much I love One Direction anymore, since I am so confident and forthcoming in my passion for Harry Styles and his long flowing hair. Why is his hair nicer than me? How much does his shampoo cost? Is it Yves Saint Laurent like everything else he owns?

Overall, 2014 was a pretty great year, and though filled with ups and downs, I will treasure it in my heart forever. 2015 has already been the hardest year of my life (AND WE’RE ONLY A MONTH IN, SO IT CAN ONLY GO UP FROM HERE, RIGHT? NO I’M NOT SWEATING) so being able to look back on fun memories fills my heart with joy, like I’ve just eaten a Portillo’s chopped salad. Thanks to everyone who supported me in 2014, whether it was with school work, reading my blog or my articles, responding to my Snapchats or complimenting me on my tweets; your support means the absolute world to me always. A lot of people often say to me, “I wish I had your life!!!” but trust me, my feet are always cold and I once awkwardly yelled, “MILES TELLER, CAN I HAVE A HIGH-FIVE????”

Happy 2015!

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